A man is at his lawyer’s office. The lawyer says, “Geoff, this is your third divorce. This is stupid. Tell you what you do: just go out every five or six years, find a woman you can’t stand and buy her a house.”
A kid comes up on a man’s porch. “Say, mister, did you see the truck that hit your dog?”
“Neither did your dog.”
The boss calls in one of his employees.
“Hey, Geoff, do you know how you and the late founder of the company are alike?”
“Neither of you works here anymore.”
A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Say, Geoff, you sure look glum. What’s the deal?”
“I’ve lost my wife and my dog and today I lost my job.”
Jeez,” the bartender says. “That’s rough. Kinda reminds me of your friend Pete.”
“Your old lady dumped him, too.”
A man walks into a liquor store. “Hey, Geoff,” the owner says. “Looks like I wasn’t your first stop tonight.”
“Nope. Whaddya got for $2.50?”
“For $2.50? Well, for you, an old and dear customer, my finest champagne.”
“Yup. And because you’ve been such a good customer, I’ll even filter it through my own kidneys first.”
A man is walking through a bad part of town, and sure enough, three young hoods surround him and rough him up.
“He’s only got a couple of bucks,” one punk says.
“No problem, says another, “I mostly do this for the exercise.”
How many bullets does it take for a complete loser to commit suicide?
Two. His hand is shaking so badly he misses on the first try.