“The question before the floor, during this special assembly, is whether to declare former President George W. Bush the worst president our great nation has ever suffered. Joe-Pete, you wanted to go first.”
Joe-Pete walked to the podium next to the leader’s throne.
“Thank you, Your Grand Imperial Exaltedness. As president, George W. Bush was fully complicit in these matters:
“1) lying about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq so as to start a war that has led to the deaths of tens of thousands of Iraqis and the execution of Saddam Hussein;
“2) torturing Iraqis in Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq;
“3) holding suspected al-Qaida soldiers in Guantanamo Bay and torturing them and not permitting them access to legal representation and keeping them there for years without charging them with any crimes; and
“4) wrecking the national economy to the especial detriment of the Jewish money cabal and generally bringing the rest of the nation down to our level here in Scratchass County.
“I feel that these crucial mitigating circumstances should prevent our declaring him our country’s worst president ever. Thank you.”
And he took his seat among those present at the special assembly of the Scratchass Region Congregation of the Freedom From Foreigners Forum. Every one of them had attained Head Usher status, representing their determination to usher in an era, as the 4-F motto said, of “America for White-Born Americans. Only. No Others.” The Senior, Junior, Assistant, and Candidate Ushers in the 4-F congregation – mostly the sons and grandsons of the Head Ushers as well as a couple of in-laws new to the area – would be informed later of what their betters had decided.
“All right, Joe-Pete. Those are all good points. Leroy, you wanted to give the other side.”
“Thank you, Your Grand Imperial Exaltedness. While admitting that what Joe-Pete has said is true and is important, we cannot forget that
1) Bush was soft on immigrants, wanting to make it easy for millions of Mexican illegals to become American citizens;
2) that he was recently referred to by Israel’s leader as the Jewish nation’s best friend; and
3) that his policies against abortion, especially in other countries, had the unpleasant side effect of untold hundreds of thousands of foreign babies being born who might try to come here someday. Thank you.”
“Debate?” asked His Grand Imperial Exaltedness.
“Just because he wanted to make immigration easy,” said Willie, “you got to remember that he didn’t get it done. And he did OK building a wall between us and Mexico.”
“That hasn’t much gotten done either,” Ernest noted.
“And maybe,” Calvey yelled from the back of the temple, “that Jew was lying about Bush being Israel’s best friend. Maybe he was trying to sour us on a good man.” This was greeted by murmurs of assent as the Head Ushers considered the distinct possibility.
Big Zach stood up and the room fell silent, in part out of honest respect for the large older man and in part because despite his age he could pummel any five of them into silence before he could be stopped.
“This is all well and good and interesting,” he said in his low, slow, gravelly voice, “but there is only one pertinent fact for us to consider: George W. Bush handed the White House and the reins of government over to a black man.”
The temple was in a dead hush until, at length, Fred offered an important annotation: “A black man with a white momma.”
His Grand Imperial Exaltedness caught Joe-Pete’s eye, and Joe-Pete shook his head slightly. He had nothing else to offer.
But Ronald did.
“Now I’ve heard that Dick Cheney left in place trusted men in the military and in various places in the government and that when the time is right, he and Bush will come back to Washington and have Obama arrested and they’ll take over and lead again.”
Quite a few faces brightened at this prospect, but Big Zach was still standing.
“That may be,” he intoned, “and I hope it is. But there’s no getting around the fact that a black man – a miscegenated man, as Fred points out – took the presidential oath of office. Unless such a coup came to fruition and all the people who voted for Obama were arrested too, there is no retreat from such a disgrace.”
Big Zach sat down and the room was quiet again.
His Grand Imperial Exaltedness cleared his throat. “I believe we are ready for a vote. All those who believe George W. Bush is the worst president our great nation has ever suffered, signify with the salute.”
Every right arm shot out and upward.
“It’s unanimous. Let it be recorded that the Head Ushers of the Scratchass Region Congregation of the Freedom From Foreigners Forum, in proper special assembly, did unanimously declare George W. Bush is the worst president our great nation has ever suffered, said vote based firmly on the fact that he permitted Barack Obama to become president after him.
“This special assembly is dissolved. Remember, our next regular assembly is Wednesday, and we’ll be discussing the spring picnic.”
The men stood to leave. His Grand Imperial Exaltedness caught Joe-Pete’s eye once more and motioned him over.
“Y’know, Joe-Pete, if it hadn’t been for that, I do believe your points would have carried the day. You had your arguments marshaled and presented ’em real good.”
“Well, I shoulda seen it comin’. But thanks, Pete-Joe. You’re a good half-brother to say so.”