Month: July 2009

Fiction: Der Vampyr

Posted on by bryon

It was just after noon on a pleasant midsummer day that two American college students on vacation checked into the hostel in the picture-postcard Bavarian village.

After showing the young gentlemen their room, the hostel manager introduced them to the only other person staying there, a Spanish student named Pilar. The boys were smitten instantly and the young lady was thankful that neither knew more Spanish than he could pick up from a taco stand menu.

Herr Schnuckler gave the three a quick rundown of what little there was of historic and cultural interest in the area, and then he added an unusual caveat.

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Fiction: Memento

Posted on by bryon

“Can you believe this?” Tachibana asked. “T-minus four hours and counting and suddenly the captain has an unscheduled errand for us to run.”

Svitenko shrugged. “She’s the captain,” she said. “At least we’re here in the cockpit and don’t have to suit up.”

“That’s the other thing. She is the captain. She should have a million things to do this close to leaving Earth. Instead, she’s doing this herself and is going EVA.”

“Must be something pretty important to bobble up the schedule like this at the last minute,” Svitenko suggested.

“Given our landing coordinates it looks more like a pilgrimage. Chief Tak was pretty upset with losing us and the shuttle; he’ll be hopping mad if this isn’t a crucial trip.”

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Fiction: Replacements

Posted on by bryon

“A squid! A squid!” the children screamed.

“That’s right,” their father said happily. “Your very own squid. Go ahead and jump in the pool with him. Have fun!”

The three youngsters squealed their delight. They peeled off their clothing and jumped into the swimming pool to play with their new pet. Soon the squid was wrapping them in its long tentacles and swirling them around in the deeper end of the pool.

“Martin! A squid?” Alice asked.

“He’s a genetically altered 10-footer,” her husband said. “Just the right size for the pool and the kids.”

“But what if he harms the children?”

“There’s a 96-percent safety rate with this model. At least that’s what the salesman said. And even if something goes wrong, that’s what the backups are for.”

Alice couldn’t argue with that, and together they enjoyed the wonderful family moment, watching their three children – Annie, 12; Ron, 9; and Ben, 6 – splashing around with their new friend.

Alice’s concerns were eventually borne out, though, and Ben was heartbroken when his parents had some people come and take away Neptune the Squid.

“But he never killed me!” Ben sobbed. “Just Annie and Ron, and they were mean to him. He loves me!”

Alice rubbed her younger son’s back. “I know, honey, and Daddy and I are very sorry. But activating the backup clones of your brother and sister – and having new backups prepared – was awfully expensive, even with insurance. We can’t afford to keep doing that. But we’ll get you another pet. A walrus, or maybe a seal. Something the geneticists have really perfected.”

Needless to say, nothing can truly take the place of a beloved squid in a boy’s heart.

Fiction: Canoe Trip

Posted on by bryon

“How did it go bad?” Kallack asked.

Pordman sighed.

“Dabbler and I were headed to the state lake. You know, deep water, real good fishing. Planned to go out just after nightfall. All of a sudden, there’s a roadblock dead ahead and more cops than I’ve ever seen — in front of us, to the sides and outta nowhere behind us. I tell Dabbler to stay cool, but Dabbler didn’t know what cool meant or we wouldn’t have been going to the lake in the first place.

“I stop the car. It’s either that or plow into a couple of big cop SUVs, you know. Dabbler jumps out of the car and starts running. I turned away because I knew what was going to happen, and sure enough, a few gun-filled seconds later he’s dead.

“I kept my hands on the steering wheel and waited. It didn’t take long, you know. But I couldn’t figure out what had gone wrong. The cops drag me out of the car and push me up against the side. That’s when I see what happened.”

“Yeah?” Kallack prompted.

“We had the canoe on top of the car, upside-down like you carry them, you know. And her body was stuffed under the seats and her arms and legs were strapped in place with bungee straps. Well the hooks were just some cheap plastic and one of them broke, you know, and — we couldn’t hear it over the radio — her hand was flopping in the breeze under the canoe. Some driver behind us must’ve called the cops.”

“Rough,” another lifer said.

“Yeah. Dumb ol’ Dabbler bought the stupid things. I’da never bought cheap crap like that. You just can’t get a job done without quality stuff, you know?”

Enlightening on Lightning

Posted on by bryon

“The difference between the almost right word & the right word is really a large matter — it’s the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.”
— Samuel Clemens, in a letter to George Bainton, 1888

So often we see the wrong word, lightening, when we should see lightning. Here’s a light primer on some easily confused words:

Lightning: That bright flash you see during a thunderstorm that precedes the thunder.* It can burn a hole through the roof of your home, send a surge through the power grid that will destroy every electrical appliance in your home,** or kill you outright. It’s beautiful, but it’s not to be trifled with.

Lightening: Lifting a weight, whether physical or emotional. You can lighten the load by removing a few bricks from the wheelbarrow or by comforting someone who’s feeling down.

Lighting: As a noun, it’s something that is meant to produce light, such as a light bulb and its fixture. As a verb, it’s causing something to be lit, such as a cigarette (which you shouldn’t do because those things will kill you), or to be illuminated: “The president is lighting the way to a brighter future” (or so we hope).

The lightning bug, by the way, is also known as the firefly. We get lots of them around here, just as we get lots of lightning. It’s getting more difficult to write an original and interesting haiku juxtaposing these forces of nature, but I keep trying.

* If you want to know how far away the lightning is, count the seconds between seeing it and hearing the thunder and divide by five. That will give you the distance in miles.

** Most surge protectors aren’t designed to guard your computer or plasma TV or coffeemaker from lightning. Read the packaging; unless you’re spending close to $100, it’ll say something to the effect of “does not protect against lightning.” Unplug anything you can’t afford to replace.

Fiction: The House of the Secret Revealed

Posted on by bryon

“Welcome, Seeker. Welcome to The House of the Secret Revealed. I am Garvey, the Keeper of the Inner Door.”

There were three doors in the small room where they stood. There was the door through which the Seeker had come and that would not open from this side. There was an exit that led away from the waiting pilgrims … and there was the Inner Door. It was richly jeweled with gilt inlays; the oversized handle was bronze and clearly bore, in silver, the shape of a sleeping dog.

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