Fun with Spellcheck

I am editing a book for a friend; he recently found a few hundred letters to the editor that he wants me to turn into a book detailing his political philosophy. While working on that yesterday, I was trying to get the worst of the spelling errors out of the way. Some are his, and some are because we scanned his typed hard copy and ran it through an OCR program, which is always an iffy proposition.

The spellcheck comes to Khada-fy, and I get several options (none of which is to close up the two parts of the name) that read thusly:

Khayyam
Khalif
Khalid
Khazar
Khartoum
Dickhead

Some might argue, and persuasively, that this list provided all the alternatives I needed under the circumstances. I think, however, it better serves as a reminder that word processing programs have terribly limited, if occasionally intriguing, spelling capabilities. Proceed with caution.

I Could Care Less

But I’m not likely to. There are a great many things I could care less about than I do the ignorant misuse of the phrase couldn’t care less.

Properly used, couldn’t care less means, “I have utterly no interest in the matter at hand and it is not possible for me to be less interested than I am.”

The corrupted version, could care less, is used by people who couldn’t care less about accuracy in language.

If you are of this ilk, then please try to care more. Botching a simple phrase makes you sound ridiculous.

Enlightening on Lightning

“The difference between the almost right word & the right word is really a large matter — it’s the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.”
— Samuel Clemens, in a letter to George Bainton, 1888

So often we see the wrong word, lightening, when we should see lightning. Here’s a light primer on some easily confused words:

Lightning: That bright flash you see during a thunderstorm that precedes the thunder.* It can burn a hole through the roof of your home, send a surge through the power grid that will destroy every electrical appliance in your home,** or kill you outright. It’s beautiful, but it’s not to be trifled with.

Lightening: Lifting a weight, whether physical or emotional. You can lighten the load by removing a few bricks from the wheelbarrow or by comforting someone who’s feeling down.

Lighting: As a noun, it’s something that is meant to produce light, such as a light bulb and its fixture. As a verb, it’s causing something to be lit, such as a cigarette (which you shouldn’t do because those things will kill you), or to be illuminated: “The president is lighting the way to a brighter future” (or so we hope).

The lightning bug, by the way, is also known as the firefly. We get lots of them around here, just as we get lots of lightning. It’s getting more difficult to write an original and interesting haiku juxtaposing these forces of nature, but I keep trying.

* If you want to know how far away the lightning is, count the seconds between seeing it and hearing the thunder and divide by five. That will give you the distance in miles.

** Most surge protectors aren’t designed to guard your computer or plasma TV or coffeemaker from lightning. Read the packaging; unless you’re spending close to $100, it’ll say something to the effect of “does not protect against lightning.” Unplug anything you can’t afford to replace.

Preamble for the Copy Editor

We the copy editors of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union of words, establish grammatical justice, ensure linguistic tranquility, provide for the comma defense, promote the gerund’s welfare, and secure the blessings of our First Amendment liberty to ourselves and our prose poetry, do order and endorse our stylebooks for whatever organizations still value us.

Tornado watches and warnings

There are a couple of weather terms that too many people confuse. Let’s take a little time* to set the record straight.

TORNADO WATCH: This means conditions are favorable for the development of tornadoes (as NOAA** puts it). The atmosphere is acting in ways that tend to produce tornadoes. Not a single one has been seen yet.

TORNADO WARNING: This means one of two things: 1) National Weather Service radar has detected rotation in a severe thunderstorm that has either produced a tornado or could at any moment, or 2) someone has seen a tornado and reported it.

When a tornado watch is announced, that’s the time to begin preparing for the worst. Know where you would go, quickly, for shelter if a warning were to be given. Listen to NOAA weather radio or your local news outlets or Internet sources for further updates (again, borrowing directly from NOAA’s own language). Keep an eye on the skies and an ear on the weather radio. Be aware.

When a tornado warning is announced, go immediately to your shelter. Do not pass Go, do not collect your favorite things other than the kids and pets.

Tornado watch means, “Hey, keep watch; there could be a tornado today.”

Tornado warning means, “Holy Mother of God! Here comes one now!”

This is a case when confusing the terms could lead to injury or death. Remember the difference so you can act accordingly.

* I wonder if anyone has ever made a tornado watch; i.e., a timepiece with a tornado motif. Could be extremely popular among the chaser crowd. I claim 10% of the profits.

** NOAA: National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. This federal agency operates the National Weather Service.